Hi Everyone! My name is Dani Morris and I am a 19 year old girl attending the University of Kansas. Throughout my life, my biggest insecurity has been my weight and I always catch myself saying “tomorrow I am going to start to change”.
When I was little, I was known for my red hair and big chubby cheeks. I didn’t develop like the rest of my friends. Needless to say, I was in an adult bra by 4th grade and hit 100 pounds by 5th. People are mean. They always have been and always will be. I learned that early on because of course, I was different. Only now do I realize that I really wasn’t THAT much bigger than the others. I just felt that way.
From about 8th grade until sophomore year I was between 120-135. Sure, at the time I thought that was horrendously fat and I do definitely regret ever thinking it. At the time, I was dancing and swimming as extra-curriculars and getting appropriate exercise daily. My weight didn’t fluctuate much until I hit Junior year of high school.
A lot went on with my body after Junior year started. First, it was mono. There were many school days missed and my immune system SUCKED. Then, I had a lot of family issues going on. Finally, I had decided to take the Depo Provera shot knowing that it had side effects of weight gain. However, it all shot to the back of my mind and I didn’t take a good look in the mirror for over a year.
Depression and Anxiety took its toll and hit me hard. I tried to hide my feelings and stayed away from any place other than my room. My family and boyfriend were the only consistent parts of my life. So I decided to turn to food. It felt so good going in and I never wanted to turn back.
After first semester of my senior year, I decided to get back in the game and wanted to live a happy lifestyle. I had quit my after school activities and desired to spend more time with friends. It was then that I realized life wasn’t the same. It was like I had fallen into a deep, deep hole for a year and no idea where the time had gone. My friends had all moved on and my social life as I knew it had faded.
January 16, 2011, I had stepped on a scale and noticed that my weight had skyrocketed to nearly 195 pounds. I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. The sweatpants and baggy shirts I were wearing had even become a little tight. It was mortifying.
Since then, I have gone on and off diets, exercise plans and weight loss programs. I will lose a few pounds, get excited and then get distracted and start to gain it back, plus some. This cycle has gotten awful and I am SOOO tired of it.
I have let my weight gain get the best of me. I hate myself, I feel like I can’t meet friends and had an awful first year of college because my self esteem got in the way. My parents are pushing me to succeed and don’t look at me the same. My boyfriend is still with me after 2 1/2 years but I can tell he’s pulling away. I don’t blame him. The girl he started dating was 80 pounds lighter and had quite the bubbly personality.
The last time I weighed myself, I was 216 pounds. I have developed a fear of the scale and will not dare myself to step back on. I try to do my hair and makeup up every day because I don’t feel pretty. I’ve started weight watchers and am going to start tracking my weight.
Follow me on my journey. It starts today and ends at 140 pounds.